{"id":3316,"date":"2014-10-20T09:33:00","date_gmt":"2014-10-20T09:33:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.wakilsahab.in\/news\/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval\/"},"modified":"2014-10-20T09:33:00","modified_gmt":"2014-10-20T09:33:00","slug":"how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.wakilsahab.in\/news\/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval\/","title":{"rendered":"How Emotionally Abusive Women Control You: The Fear of Loss and the Need for Approval"},"content":{"rendered":"
http:\/\/shrink4men.wordpress.com\/2009\/07\/27\/how-emotionally-abusive-women-control-you-the-fear-of-loss-and-the-need-for-approval\/<\/p>\n
Why is it so difficult for men who are being controlled by narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and other abusive women to end the relationship? What keeps them tethered to these abusive personalities sometimes even after the relationship has ended?<\/em><\/div>\n
There are two basic hooks this kind of woman uses to keep men on a readily yank-able chain: the fear of loss and the need for approval<\/strong>. These are the two most powerful control devices in their arsenal. The worst part is that, in many cases, men unwittingly play right into their hands.<\/div>\n
The Fear of Loss<\/strong><\/div>\n
The fear of loss is an especially powerful mechanism. It could be the fear of losing the relationship, fear of losing your children, your reputation or your money and other assets. Inducing fear, guilt, shame and a sense of obligation are how abusive women control you. If you\u2019re afraid of loss and your wife\/girlfriend\/ex knows it, you\u2019re basically at her mercy<\/strong>.<\/div>\n
Abusive women will:<\/div>\n
    \n
  • Threaten you with abandonment. \u201cIf you don\u2019t \u2018shape up,\u2019 I\u2019m leaving<\/em>.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • Threaten to alienate your children from you or deny you access to them. \u201cIf you don\u2019t do as I say, I\u2019m going to tell your son what a bastard you are<\/em>\u201d or \u201cIf you leave you\u2019ll never see your kids again.\u201d<\/em><\/li>\n
  • Threaten to destroy your career. \u201cI\u2019m going to tell everyone at your office what a sick pervert you are<\/em>.\u201d<\/li>\n
  • Threaten to take all your money. \u201cYou owe me<\/em>. I\u2019m entitled<\/em>.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
    Many of these women will implicitly or explicitly communicate that you\u2019ll never meet anyone else like them. Let\u2019s hope not<\/em>. The resulting fear is that no other women will want you or find you attractive, which is nonsense. The reality is that emotionally abusive women are a dime a dozen. There\u2019s nothing special about them\u2014except for their highly dysfunctional and toxic characterological traits. You need to change your mindset. Perhaps by \u201closing\u201d the relationship, you will, ultimately, \u201cwin.\u201d<\/strong><\/strong><\/div>\n
    There are far better woman in the world who will treat you with kindness, respect, generosity and mutual consideration. You\u2019re not lucky this woman \u201cputs up with you;\u201d she\u2019s lucky that you<\/em> put up with her<\/em>. Being alone is better than being in an abusive relationship. If being on your own is too difficult at first; get a dog or a goldfish.<\/div>\n
    As for losing your assets, your children and your reputation, these are very real losses. However, if you\u2019re persistent, you can regain and rebuild anything you lose. It won\u2019t be exactly the same, but the longer you stay with this woman, the more you\u2019ll lose\u2014financially and emotionally<\/strong>. It\u2019s confounding. Men are punished by the courts (i.e., spousal support) for staying in the marriage longer in an effort to work things out. You think you\u2019re doing the right thing by hanging in there, but you\u2019re actually giving your wife more power to hurt you when you finally divorce. Therefore, it\u2019s better to get out sooner than later when you notice how lopsided, hurtful and inequitable your relationship is.<\/div>\n
    Kids are a tough one. You may well lose time with and access to your child(ren). On the other hand, consider what you\u2019re modeling by staying in an abusive relationship. It\u2019s better for a child to have one healthy and strong parent than two dysfunctional ones.<\/div>\n
    Exactly what are you afraid of losing? <\/strong>The abuse? The emotional withdrawal and rejection? Being made to feel less than? If this were anyone other than your wife\/girlfriend\/ex, would you want to even know this person? Have you challenged these fears with your intellect or are you being led by your \u201cgut?\u201d<\/strong><\/div>\n
    When you fear loss, you need to stop \u201clistening to your gut\u201d and use your mind to reality test your fears.<\/strong> Abusive women are master manipulators who employ emotional reasoning that has very little to do with the facts of a situation. The emotionally based attacks also serve to confuse you and cloud your judgment. Therefore, when you\u2019re afraid, stop listening to your gut and start reasoning with your brain<\/strong>.<\/div>\n
    Don\u2019t just succumb to your fears; CHALLENGE THEM with your intellect, not the emotional reasoning that only reinforces them.<\/strong> More often than not, your fears are just distorted, self-limiting beliefs sown by your wife\/gf\/ex. By giving into your fear, you\u2019re voluntarily walking into a cage and handing her the key. The truth is<\/strong> you have the power to release yourself<\/strong>. You will<\/em> love again. You will<\/em> find happiness. But you will only do so without this woman<\/em>.<\/div>\n
    The Need for Approval<\/strong><\/div>\n
    Another highly effective device abusive women use to control you is denying approval and acceptance. It\u2019s natural to want to be liked and admired\u2014especially by the person you love. Being criticized, demeaned, rejected and told repeatedly, \u201cnot good enough<\/em>,\u201d \u201cyou don\u2019t measure up<\/em>,\u201d or that you\u2019ve \u201cfailed again<\/em>\u201d is demoralizing. It also spurs you on to try even harder to please her and herein lies the problem: These women are never satisfied. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. She will never bestow upon you the kind of love and acceptance you seek<\/strong>.<\/div>\n
    Why does your wife\u2019s\/girlfriend\u2019s\/ex\u2019s approval mean so much to you? Do you actually respect her and the way she conducts herself? A woman like this is an abusive, entitled and incredibly self-serving bully, so why do you care what she thinks?  Seeking approval from someone who takes pleasure in cutting you down is a recipe for disappointment and pain<\/strong>.<\/div>\n
    You\u2019re perpetuating a sick dynamic by seeking approval from someone who\u2019ll never give it to you.<\/strong> Why?<\/em> Because these women experience giving approval to others as a psychological and visceral loss. To tell you, \u201cnice job<\/em>\u201d or \u201cI appreciate you<\/em>\u201d somehow makes her feel less than and, as you well know, these women won\u2019t tolerate that for a second.<\/div>\n
    The Way Out<\/strong><\/div>\n
    Don\u2019t let her solicited and unsolicited opinions get to you anymore. Recognize them for what they are: Abusive control tactics. Your overall goal is emotional detachment<\/strong>, which means you\u2019re not invested in the outcome of this relationship. Once you\u2019re no longer afraid of \u201closing\u201d or care about receiving her approval, you\u2019ll see the balance of power in the relationship shift<\/strong>.<\/div>\n
    She will be less able to \u201cget to you,\u201d which is a good thing. You\u2019ll begin to care less, which is psychologically freeing. You\u2019ll become more immune to the traps she sets and she won\u2019t be able to figure out what the hell is happening. As you step out of this dysfunctional emotional dynamic, she\u2019ll escalate her nasty behaviors as she frantically tries to maintain control and bully you back into place<\/strong>. She\u2019ll be uncharacteristically speechless when her tried and true control devices no longer work.<\/div>\n
    Just remember, the more you commit to taking care of yourself, the more embittered she\u2019ll grow. She\u2019ll accuse you of being \u201cselfish,\u201d \u201cinconsiderate\u201d and \u201cuncaring.\u201d This is a good sign\u2014for you<\/em>. Abusive women view any attempt you make at self-care and growth as a grave betrayal. How dare you do something positive for yourself? How dare you not let her make you feel bad?<\/em><\/strong><\/div>\n
    The more you put your needs first, the stronger and healthier you\u2019ll become and your attraction to this supremely unhealthy woman should diminish. Abusive women remain in control by keeping you disoriented, hurting and in a psychologically weakened state. This is why she becomes alarmed when she sees you taking care of yourself.<\/div>\n
    Even if you don\u2019t initially believe it, the freedom from abuse you\u2019ll gain by ending this relationship will eventually outweigh any material losses you incur<\/strong>. You need to realize that you don\u2019t have an actual relationship with this woman; it\u2019s an autocracy in which she\u2019s the petty tyrant and you live to serve. Furthermore, a woman like this isn\u2019t capable of true intimacy and empathy, which are prerequisites for a healthy relationship.Your happiness lies in the future with someone else; not her.<\/div>\n
    Sadly, you may well see your children less or suffer through watching your ex turn them into her human shields, protectors and weapons to hurt you. However, by staying in an abusive relationship you\u2019re exposing your children to a very unhealthy model of adult relationships. Nevertheless, this is a heartbreaking choice for many fathers. It may cost you money and potentially damage your relationship with your children, but what\u2019s the cost of happiness, sanity and freedom from abuse?<\/div>\n
    by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
    \n\t\t\t
    \n\t\t\t <\/div><\/div>\n\t\t