101 Ways to get rid of your wife

1.take her on a date and go to the drive thru.
2.for her anniversay dont buy her anything and say “you have me. what more could you want?”
3.plan a hunting trip on her birthday
4.plan a vacation and then invite all of your friends to come along
5.pretend to forget her name infront of your friends and and refer to her as “woman”
6.buy an expensive car that she will have to help pay for but dont tell you are going to buy it
7.buy new hunting dogs and build a pin for them right beside your window. nothing like the sweet sound of baying hounds at three in the morning.
8.always be on the phone with your friends but then complain about her texting too much
9.leave cabnets and drawers open. as soon as she closes them, open them again.
10.always wear your dirty shoes on her freshly mopped floors
11.complain that the food is too cold. when she heats it, complain again its not hot. when she heats it again, complain its too hot.
12.go to church without her because “you were taking too long”
13.leave your dirty dishes all over the house
14.never pick up after your self
15.make a sandwhich and leave everything out for her to clean up
16.never answer the phone when she calls
17.sit on the couch and watch football whenever you are home
18.if she ask you to help clean up say “that’s what women are suppose to do”
19.if she complains about you buying too much junk food say “you never cook anything good”
20.complain about her family all the time
21.if she gets a hair cut, look at it with distaste and say “what did you do to your hair?”
22.leave dirty socks in her car
23.if she tries to have a serious conversation, laugh the entire time
24.invite friends over for dinner but forget to tell her
25.if you ever fix dinner for the kids, make penut butter and jelly sandwhiches, cheese puffs, and little debbies brownies.
26.instead of buying something you need, go buy a new game station.
27.reply to everything she says with “that’s what you think”
28.only give one word answers
29.if she is watching tv, walk in and chage the station to golf without asking her
30.for her birthday tell her you are going to go get take out. come back with a half eaten burger from mcdonalds.
31.eat the icing out of oreo cookies then put them back in the tray
32.put christmas lights up on the roof and promise to take them down. leave them up till september.
33.chew on the pens in side her purse and then put back
34.wear alot of cologne
35.narate any movie you watch with her
36.buy a lawn mower for her brthday and say “so you will have something to do all day”
37.flirt with the waitresses
38.quit your job without telling her because you want to follow your calling and write poetry.
39.sing opera loudly at two in the morning
40.for valentines day bring home a large box of chocolate and eat out most of them. then say “i left you the kind i didnt like.”
41.buy a puppy and promise to take care of it. never do.
42.silence her before she can say anything and then blab about football
43.buy her a treadmill for christmas
44.mention the fact her hips are getting bigger
45.invite your mother to come live with you before discussing it with your wife
46.insist on never going to the doctor
47.put empty containers back in the fridge
48.when she is on a diet, go buy aton of chocolate and icecream
49.yell when you need something but dont get up to get it.
50.wave to everyone you see when driving her someplace
51.if she asks you to help with something reply “i dont feel like it”
52.after she has a baby tell her she looks fatter then when she was pregnant
53.drum on every available surface
54.spend hours and hours on the computer and when she asks what you are doing, shut your computer down and say “nothing”
55.wear torn white undershirts outside of the house
56.if she asks which dress she should wear say “doesnt make any difference”
57.use double negatives in every sentence
58.offer to help. when she says sure just stand there
59.never use your blinker
60.wait till you are right at the redlight and then slam on your brakes
61.live on her facebook account and refuse toget your own
62.never make eye contact with her family
63.yell “not right now (insert her name)”
64.asks her friends if they remembered to wear deoderant that dy
65.put your shoes on the kitchen table
66.say “i love….” but never say a noun.
67.pretend to be a boxer all day
68.sing rebeka black “friday” all day every day
69.argue with everything she says
70.laugh loudly at anything anyone says
71.tell her that her new dress reminds you of your old girlfriend. then insist you like it.
72.pretend you are deaf so she will completly freak out. then burst out laughing and say “JK”
73.whisper everything you say
74.spend more time talking to the dog then you spend talking to her
75.if she asks to take a class tell her “a stupid woman is a virtuous woman.”
76.if she asks you to take her somewhere tell her ” you have legs”
77.if she asks you to take the trash out say “but its hot outside!/ but its cold outside!”
78.complain that she cant cook worth anything
79.if she is blonde, tell her blonde jokes all day
80.drink a two liter of coke a day and complain she never buys soda,
81.blow the horn all the time when driving
82.spill something on the floor then “forget to clean it up”
83.mumble everything you say
84.drive like you are drunk
85.insist your kids arent yours
86.grin at any woman you see
87.hide the book she is in the middle of
88.buy your mother expensive jewlry all the time
89.spend alot of money on a fishing trip and dont tell your wife about it. she will notice all the charges when she is balancing the check book.
90.when she calls, answer the phone then hang up.
91.never say goodbye on a phone call
92.if she says i love you over the phone jsut say “hmm”
93.be late for a party at your house
94.dye your hair white and wax the top of your head
95.refuse to eat anything you suspect might be healthy
96.bake cookies then forget they are in the oven
97.complain that you are tired all day but refuse to go to bed at night
98.pout if she says no
99.mimick what she says in an annoying voice
100.mouth random words to random people
101.just be yourself