July 28, 2015
An abusive wife?
My bed-ridden father assaulted my father-in-law, I clutched her neck and then banged her head against the wall, and we constantly tortured my wife demanding a dowry of `1,000,000….,” thus begins the video, The Chair: I wish I never got married.
A first person account of a harassed husband who recounts the suffering he went through in a bad marriage, this video which generated close to 40,000 views, brings to fore the plight of a rising number of men who are tortured and harassed by their wives, who slap Section 498a on them at the slightest pretext. Unfortunately for these men, the law is not on their side. Forget proving their innocence, even getting someone to hear their side of the story proves to be an impossible task. Ever since the video was uploaded, more and more harassed husbands are speaking up, even in Hyderabad. the fight for men’s rights is as big a reality as its feminist counterpart. Even though several organisations have come up in the recent past to actively campaign for gender-neutral laws, finding a fair playing ground seems an uphill task for most harassed husbands.
I was manhandled and kicked
I got married in 2010. She started off constantly trying to prove that she is superior and picked on everything I did. She conceived three months into the marriage, and left my house. I wanted her to live with me and it still pains me that I missed the birth of my son. She named our child herself and told me about it on the phone. I was kicked and manhandled by my in-laws. All of this constitutes harassment, but as a man, I found little help when I approached the police. They assumed that I was at fault even though there was no evidence against me. I finally got divorced in 2014, but not without undergoing my share of trauma. — Dr Sravan
I was slapped 500 times
We got married in 2013 and moved to Australia. My wife was a control freak. Even if I was late by 30 minutes, she would ask, ‘who did you sleep with?’ The physical abuse started when one day I woke up in the middle of the night, to her hysterically beating me. That continued for months. I would have been slapped 500 times in six months. She would also hit herself. I did not want to involve the police in Australia and I was too embarrassed to even speak about it to my family. When we returned to India in 2014, I consulted a psychiatrist, who confirmed that my wife was mentally unstable. But it did not go down well with my father-in-law, who refused to have her treated. The differences led to them even sending goons to my office to force me to stop taking her to the doctor. When I went to the police, they told me it’s a family matter and I have to solve it internally. I am sure that would not have been the response if a woman walked into the police station. My trauma is far from over — it has now escalated to a dowry harassment case against me, my mother, my aunt, my brother, and a domestic violence case against me, my mother and my brother.
— Kumar* (name changed)
I am stuck in India
I was based in New Zealand; I had told my wife clearly that I did not want to move back to India. She got a visa nine months after marriage and moved there. Gradually, her behaviour changed. At first, it did not make much sense — she would talk to my friends about me, she brought up my ex-girlfriends all the time. Then things got out of hand and I suggested that she go to India and cool off. Once she was here, she started telling horrible lies about me to the elders in our community. Everyone thought I was the culprit, when I was actually the victim. When I was told to come for a meeting with the elders, I refused ‘cos I felt that issues between man and wife should be dealt by the couple. But the next thing I know, a 498a case was filed. My mother, brother and me were taken into judicial custody. the police asked us to submit all our passports and then released us. Now, I am still stuck in India without a job. And although I have proofs of my innocence — including email exchanges — it will never be considered. The fact is that I as a man in India, I have zero rights. — Sailesh
I heard about it from the media
“It began with her condition that I must not speak to my parents and my siblings. She wanted to live separately and we moved out. For four months, I did not even speak to my family. She would spy on my phone too and constantly threaten me of divorce. She moved away on job and then followed the 498a case against me. She did not even inform me. I got to know of it through media. It was all over the newspapers, across five districts. My humiliated parents almost committed suicide. It feels like death when you read the allegations, you know. She accused me of torturing her for dowry `5 lakh. And although I was right by her side when she gave birth to our daughter, she alleged that I wasn’t with her because she was having a girl child. She also slapped domestic violence and maintenance cases against me. Today, being a working professional, I spend most of my time running around courts. — Shravan S
From a victim to counsellor
“I got married in 2000 and after three years, things started to turn bad. She moved in with her parents and started forcing me to move in with them, which I refused — leading to her filing a harassment case against me in 2004. This was followed by a few maintenance cases. The latest maintenance case was in 2008. I was finally acquitted in 2009. So, it was a good five years of trauma. In 2008, I decided to become a counsellor. I wanted to help other people instead of just crying about my case. And since then I have counselled more than 300 people per year. The problem is that men are vulnerable, but they fail to express themselves — again because of the stereotype that men don’t cry. Take for instance the battery cases, we have colleagues or relatives report to us but the men almost never show up at meetings, because it is embarrassing. Also, for men victims trauma is largely emotional as opposed to the women victims who are manhandled physically. Another marked difference is that there is no support system for men, as much as there is for women. You will hardly find any organisations for men. — Partha
Gender-neutral laws needed
Kumar Jahgirdar, a prominent activist in the cause for equal rights for men, hit the national headlines when he fought against his ex-wife Chethana Ramatheertha, now the wife of Anil Kumble, to get shared custody of the children and became a poster boy for men’s rights. Aware of the criticism that men’s rights campaigns often face, Jahgirdar sums up the whole campaign “Society needs to understand that we are not anti-women The campaign is for gender-neutral laws.”
Lawyers who defend men are criticised, booed, spat at…
Law failing families?
Senior advocate Milind Gokhale says at least one harassed husband comes to him per week. He says, “The entire law in India is loaded in favour of women. But not many of us understand the real-life implications of this. Once a wife goes to court, two things are bound to happen: one, the incarceration of the man and his family; two, the unbearable humiliation that comes with it. Having dealt with thousands of these cases, I can tell you that these allegations ruin these men from within, rarely do they bounce back.” Even as a lawyer, defending harassed men is not easy, Gokhale admits. “we are criticised, booed and even spat at. Even judges tend to sympathise with the women,” he says.
Counselling and activism
The NGO Save Indian Family, that launched its Hyderabad chapter in April 2014, uncovered several shocking cases of male harassment, including rape of teenage boys to old parents fighting against the mistreatment of their sons and widows who are fighting for justice having lost their sons to suicide. Men’s rights NGOs have registered that among the laws that are generally misused, the ones that top the list are not just IPC 498a(Dowry Law) but there’s also widespread misuse of rape laws, workplace harassment laws, custody laws, maintenance laws, divorce laws etc. While counsellors who work with men who are victims of harassment do not give any legal advice, they say that these victims need a lot of psychological counselling. Most men who are beaten up only muster up the courage to call the helplines but are too embarrassed to attend meetings. These meetings are not only attended by male victims, but also their sisters and mothers who come and share their stories.
A first person account of a harassed husband who recounts the suffering he went through in a bad marriage, this video which generated close to 40,000 views, brings to fore the plight of a rising number of men who are tortured and harassed by their wives, who slap Section 498a on them at the slightest pretext. Unfortunately for these men, the law is not on their side. Forget proving their innocence, even getting someone to hear their side of the story proves to be an impossible task. Ever since the video was uploaded, more and more harassed husbands are speaking up, even in Hyderabad. the fight for men’s rights is as big a reality as its feminist counterpart. Even though several organisations have come up in the recent past to actively campaign for gender-neutral laws, finding a fair playing ground seems an uphill task for most harassed husbands.
I was manhandled and kicked
I got married in 2010. She started off constantly trying to prove that she is superior and picked on everything I did. She conceived three months into the marriage, and left my house. I wanted her to live with me and it still pains me that I missed the birth of my son. She named our child herself and told me about it on the phone. I was kicked and manhandled by my in-laws. All of this constitutes harassment, but as a man, I found little help when I approached the police. They assumed that I was at fault even though there was no evidence against me. I finally got divorced in 2014, but not without undergoing my share of trauma. — Dr Sravan
I was slapped 500 times
We got married in 2013 and moved to Australia. My wife was a control freak. Even if I was late by 30 minutes, she would ask, ‘who did you sleep with?’ The physical abuse started when one day I woke up in the middle of the night, to her hysterically beating me. That continued for months. I would have been slapped 500 times in six months. She would also hit herself. I did not want to involve the police in Australia and I was too embarrassed to even speak about it to my family. When we returned to India in 2014, I consulted a psychiatrist, who confirmed that my wife was mentally unstable. But it did not go down well with my father-in-law, who refused to have her treated. The differences led to them even sending goons to my office to force me to stop taking her to the doctor. When I went to the police, they told me it’s a family matter and I have to solve it internally. I am sure that would not have been the response if a woman walked into the police station. My trauma is far from over — it has now escalated to a dowry harassment case against me, my mother, my aunt, my brother, and a domestic violence case against me, my mother and my brother.
— Kumar* (name changed)
I am stuck in India
I was based in New Zealand; I had told my wife clearly that I did not want to move back to India. She got a visa nine months after marriage and moved there. Gradually, her behaviour changed. At first, it did not make much sense — she would talk to my friends about me, she brought up my ex-girlfriends all the time. Then things got out of hand and I suggested that she go to India and cool off. Once she was here, she started telling horrible lies about me to the elders in our community. Everyone thought I was the culprit, when I was actually the victim. When I was told to come for a meeting with the elders, I refused ‘cos I felt that issues between man and wife should be dealt by the couple. But the next thing I know, a 498a case was filed. My mother, brother and me were taken into judicial custody. the police asked us to submit all our passports and then released us. Now, I am still stuck in India without a job. And although I have proofs of my innocence — including email exchanges — it will never be considered. The fact is that I as a man in India, I have zero rights. — Sailesh
I heard about it from the media
“It began with her condition that I must not speak to my parents and my siblings. She wanted to live separately and we moved out. For four months, I did not even speak to my family. She would spy on my phone too and constantly threaten me of divorce. She moved away on job and then followed the 498a case against me. She did not even inform me. I got to know of it through media. It was all over the newspapers, across five districts. My humiliated parents almost committed suicide. It feels like death when you read the allegations, you know. She accused me of torturing her for dowry `5 lakh. And although I was right by her side when she gave birth to our daughter, she alleged that I wasn’t with her because she was having a girl child. She also slapped domestic violence and maintenance cases against me. Today, being a working professional, I spend most of my time running around courts. — Shravan S
From a victim to counsellor
“I got married in 2000 and after three years, things started to turn bad. She moved in with her parents and started forcing me to move in with them, which I refused — leading to her filing a harassment case against me in 2004. This was followed by a few maintenance cases. The latest maintenance case was in 2008. I was finally acquitted in 2009. So, it was a good five years of trauma. In 2008, I decided to become a counsellor. I wanted to help other people instead of just crying about my case. And since then I have counselled more than 300 people per year. The problem is that men are vulnerable, but they fail to express themselves — again because of the stereotype that men don’t cry. Take for instance the battery cases, we have colleagues or relatives report to us but the men almost never show up at meetings, because it is embarrassing. Also, for men victims trauma is largely emotional as opposed to the women victims who are manhandled physically. Another marked difference is that there is no support system for men, as much as there is for women. You will hardly find any organisations for men. — Partha
Gender-neutral laws needed
Kumar Jahgirdar, a prominent activist in the cause for equal rights for men, hit the national headlines when he fought against his ex-wife Chethana Ramatheertha, now the wife of Anil Kumble, to get shared custody of the children and became a poster boy for men’s rights. Aware of the criticism that men’s rights campaigns often face, Jahgirdar sums up the whole campaign “Society needs to understand that we are not anti-women The campaign is for gender-neutral laws.”
Lawyers who defend men are criticised, booed, spat at…
Law failing families?
Senior advocate Milind Gokhale says at least one harassed husband comes to him per week. He says, “The entire law in India is loaded in favour of women. But not many of us understand the real-life implications of this. Once a wife goes to court, two things are bound to happen: one, the incarceration of the man and his family; two, the unbearable humiliation that comes with it. Having dealt with thousands of these cases, I can tell you that these allegations ruin these men from within, rarely do they bounce back.” Even as a lawyer, defending harassed men is not easy, Gokhale admits. “we are criticised, booed and even spat at. Even judges tend to sympathise with the women,” he says.
Counselling and activism
The NGO Save Indian Family, that launched its Hyderabad chapter in April 2014, uncovered several shocking cases of male harassment, including rape of teenage boys to old parents fighting against the mistreatment of their sons and widows who are fighting for justice having lost their sons to suicide. Men’s rights NGOs have registered that among the laws that are generally misused, the ones that top the list are not just IPC 498a(Dowry Law) but there’s also widespread misuse of rape laws, workplace harassment laws, custody laws, maintenance laws, divorce laws etc. While counsellors who work with men who are victims of harassment do not give any legal advice, they say that these victims need a lot of psychological counselling. Most men who are beaten up only muster up the courage to call the helplines but are too embarrassed to attend meetings. These meetings are not only attended by male victims, but also their sisters and mothers who come and share their stories.
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